Compassion and Grace

OneThankfulMom has a blog that was discussing post-adoption grief and what it looks like. One comment really blessed me.

This is from Kathie, who sent it via email. You can visit her blog at: http://goodnessandmercyshallfollow.blogspot.com/

My Really Long Comment:

Okay, I checked in today hoping there was a wise reader with some answers. (Or Lisa with her wisdom.) I didn't post the question, but certainly understand the difficult situation she is in as she tries to parent her broken child.

We have a similar situation. We've had our adopted son home for a little more than 5 months. He's eight years old--spent 5 years with a very abusive birthmom and 2 1/2 years in an orphanage.

For the most part, things have gone really well--with the occasional kick-in-the gut kind of moments. He acts out his grief by pouting, by whining, by showing jealousy, by being hard please, by wanting to be alone, and by crying. I don't really mind the genuine tears, but the other behaviors don't move me to want to show compassion.

We had an episode last week where we saw what his "grief" looks like. I was semi prepared because we'd had a small traumatic event (we were pet sitting a guinea pig who died in our care). The kids had grown attached to him while he was with us, but they seemed to handle the loss appropriately--even Daniel (our adopted son). I assured them that they didn't cause his death. (He was old and died of natural causes.)

But that evening Daniel acted out. He first hit his little brother for not giving him a toy that he wanted to play with. Then he lied about hitting his brother screaming that little brother was making it up, "you love him more" kinds of stuff. Then he told my husband that he didn't love him and didn't want him to be his father. Daniel got so upset that he even urinated in his pants.

This was truly one of our lowest points with him. I was sad because we had made such progress from those first weeks home. I was scared thinking this was the start of the "real Daniel"--that perhaps the good behavior was just an act. My husband and I prayed over him which calmed him down. He finally admitted that he did hit his brother and then lied about it. We thanked him for telling us the truth but let him know what his punishment would be. (Since he has been abused we have chosen not to spank. The punishment was no TV/computer screens and no pool for the next day and a note of apology to his brother.) He wailed but didn't fight us about our decision that night or the next day.

To the mom who posted the question, I think it's wonderful that your son is talking with you about his past--even if some of it might be embellished. This latest behavior could have been triggered by anything. Just love him and pray over him till he can get through this. I certainly think counseling could be helpful, as well as just getting wise advice from adoptive parents like Lisa who have been on this journey longer than we have.

Some ways that seem to help my son cope are: Giving him special jobs in our home gives him a sense of pride and purpose. Validating his feelings (even when it seems ridiculous) calms him down. The worst thing I could do is tell him he's being silly. If I sit and listen and tell him I understand why he might feel that way he often comes to his own conclusion that this isn't a big deal after all. Reminding him that I hold his siblings to the same standard helps him realize that I'm not being overly critical with him. Using every opportunity to build him up when he is doing something right--when he picks up his toys without me asking, when he says something kind, when he lets someone else go first, when he obeys the first time. I know these are thing they should do anyway, but for a child who has been told his whole life he is worthless, he just beams when I tell him he is wonderful. I try to sprinkle our days with comments like "I just love being your mom" and "What did we ever do without you in our family?" And most important, I stop and pray when I see him about to melt down (or feel that I'm about to melt down). And I do these suggestions with all my children (I have 3 biological ones) so everyone feels equally loved, appreciated, and cherished.

I know I probably didn't share anything new, but this is just what works for us. The only other thing I would add is to find people who understand to talk with. Struggling with an adopted child can be a lonely journey. There are days of praying, "Lord, what do I do?" and days that border on "Lord, what have I done?"

People who aren't adoptive parents may not understand how hard it can be. They may only see your son's best behavior or may only want to hear that everything is wonderful. Often Christians think that following God's call to adopt, to missions, etc. means that it will all end happy. Well, sometimes obedience is hard.



Please forgive me as I add a few other posts from her blog. It is really where my thinking has been centered lately.

Last week’s Tuesday Topic was a tough one for me. Dianna asked how other adoptive parents have managed to protect the best interests of their younger children as a newly adopted older child joined the family. This is a question I needed to tackle, but I was also cut to the heart as I have failed in this area.

I am a hopeful person by nature, so when I read books like Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray, I thought to myself, “Wow, that is so hard and so sad. Those families and children really have a tough road.” Did I ever think to myself that we might become one of those families? No. Did I, in my wildest dreams, think that I would ever find myself not only reading Deborah’s words, but applying her principles as I pursued my child’s healing? No, but thank you God that I am not on this journey alone.

When I read the hard books (before my children came home), there were some tiny flickers of caution and fear, but I was optimistic and didn’t let myself do some of the deep thinking recommended in yesterday’s post. I didn’t ask myself, “What will I do if my child struggles with___?” or “How would I handle a child who does___?” I didn’t let myself think that way. Afterall, Russ and I were following God’s leading, and if we were in the center of His will, what could go wrong?”

Nothing “went wrong”, because I believe we are still in the very center of God’s will. However, Russ and I would both say that we did not prepare ourselves for the challenges we faced when Dimples arrived home. We were so hopeful and eager to love our new children, to be their Mommy and Daddy, that we neglected to protect our other children. Surely lots of love, security, hope, prayer, and thoughtful parenting would be enough. Right?

I am deeply grateful that we were not facing any issues of sexual abuse. I personally know families who are grappling with that right now. Their older adopted child was abusing younger children in the family; a true nightmare for the family that has led them to seek a new family for their child from the “hard places”.

But did I do all that I could to protect my little ones from the tumult in their lives? No, I didn’t.
A traumatized and attachment-challenged child can produce an environment that is full of stress and dysregulation. The healthy siblings will not have the skills to cope with this and need to be shielded from it as much as possible while the child from the hard places begins to heal.

My best advice is:

1. Prepare yourself that adopting an older child will be very challenging. Read the hard books. I have a list of them in this post. If you have a smooth and easy adjustment, give thanks to God, and remember that the education you gained might help one of your friends in the future.

2. Prepare your home: simplify, simplify, simplify. Put baby monitors on other floors. Have rules about open doors and what kind of play is acceptable. We decided that “playing dead” probably wasn’t beneficial to anyone.

3. Give your other children tools they can use to deflect problems and listen to them when they come to you for help. This was one of my greatest failings. I was so concerned with helping Dimples attach to me and to the family, that I failed to see the suffering of my other children, whose lives had been turned upside down.

4. Create a “team” of friends and family members who will support you and be willing to come to your aid at any moment. Russ and I did not do this and when life began to spiral downward we leaned so heavily on each other, that we could hardly bear up under the weight of our struggles. When we finally acknowledged that we needed help, we found three friends who made themselves completely available to help me when I needed them. On one particularly trying day, a friend needed to drive to a city nearly two hours away. She picked Dimples up and took her along, including a stop for dinner. Dimples had a lovely time and it was much needed respite for me.

5. Plan regular breaks for your other children. Initially you will not be able to leave your new child, so plan times for your other little ones to go play with a friend, have special time with the other parent, visit a special adult, or do a fun activity with a babysitter. This will give you time with your new child while your children take a deep breath from the stresses of the new life they are now living. I was so concerned with making Dimples feel loved and accepted, that I put too much energy into “fairness”. What I should have been thinking was, “Dimples has different needs from Boo and Ladybug, and I need to parent her differently. They can do___, but that doesn’t mean Dimples can. Just because something is possible does not mean it is beneficial.”

The good thing about failing is that it leaves lots of room for improvement. We have made many changes for the good of all of our children. Our home is happier, calmer, and a better place to be. We have learned that we cannot parent all of our children the same way. Techniques that work well for some of our children do not work at all for our little ones who are healing from trauma. We don’t want to be “fair” parents, we want to be really fantastic, loving parents who have all of our children’s best interests at heart.

ONE MORE POST:
Last June I wrote about Efficient Correction and I highlighted the steps that a parent should go through when correcting a child. I didn’t make them up – it was all straight from Dr. Karyn Purvis. So what happens when we have followed the steps and gotten to the point of the child sitting in the “think it over” spot, but the behavior is escalating rather than resolving?

Here is what happened at my house today. Eby and Little Man were riding in the back seat of the van, and while I was driving, Eby was getting ramped up. His behavior was not headed in a good direction. I tried to talk while driving, then I pulled over and instructed him again. By the time we had arrived at our destination, he was even more agitated. Then the spitting began. He was spitting on Honeybee who was sitting in front of him. I drove home quickly, took him aside and talked to him (I’m sure I used far too many words). Then I told him to tell Honeybee he was sorry and ask her to forgive him. She squatted down in front of him, and he promptly and firmly shoved her over. I must have been dense to have missed all of the cues that he was not ready to bring this conflict to a close.

I know I don’t write much about issues with Eby, but the more we learn about PTSD, the more we see how much healing we need to seek for him. We are trying to be much more proactive and therapeutic in our approach to his behavior.

Today when this incident happened, I was fortunate that Russ was on the phone with me. He said, “I’ll be right there,” and hung up. I had Eby sit in his “Think it Over” room with the door open (the laundry room off the kitchen). He shut it himself when I told him that if he was going to scream, the door needed to be shut.

[Note: We start with the "Think it Over Chair" in the family room, but move to the laundry room if terrific screaming, throwing toys, etc. ensues.]

Russ arrived and we conferred by the front door. Then with very few words (good job, Russ), he took Eby by the hand and out the front door. He showed Eby how to run a lap around the front lawn and told him to go at it. Running, jumping jacks, and other physical activities help our children regulate themselves when they are out of control (dysregulated). After a number of laps, Eby was tired, and calm, so he came to sit by Russ. Then Russ handed him an empty cup and told him to start spitting and keep spitting for the next five minutes. I can’t remember where we got that idea – maybe Deborah Gray?

When five minutes was up, they came in the house smiling. I had a calm little boy who was ready to seek forgiveness from his sister and from me. Best of all, he stayed calm and regulated the rest of the morning and into the afternoon. I’m so proud of Russ and Eby!

It is challenging to think beyond the parenting techniques that worked so well with our previous children, but are not corrective or therapeutic for our children from the “hard places”. It is even harder to think of these new techniques when we are in the midst of a struggle. Our saving grace this time is that Eby was in the “Think it Over Room” which gave me a few minutes to consider the options, and Russ had a few minutes to do the same on the five minute drive home. I am also very, very blessed to have a husband who works close to home and is sometimes available to help in a situation like this.

If you are struggling with challenging behavior, hang in there. Keep learning and trying new things. Every once in awhile you’ll think to yourself, “Hey, we did that right!”


We made a quick trip to Seattle to meet with the therapist who is going to be working with our sweet Dimples. She is a wonderful, gifted woman who gave us hours of her time to get us started. She had many great insights about children affected by trauma. She also gave us a number of practical tools to begin implementing at home. We will travel back to see her with Dimples next week.

I am in the midst of a messy project, but this post has been rattling around for a week and I need to get it out of my head and onto my blog.

So here I am thinking more about the teachings of Dr. Karyn Purvis. In my earlier post on correction, I wrote about the IDEAL response: Immediate, Direct, Efficient, Action-based, and Level. In her lecture she went into detail about how to respond Efficiently when correcting a child. I’ll try to summarize some of what she said here.

First, we need to match our response to the behavior of the child. Dr. Purvis talks about using a tone of “playful engagement”. Imagine it as being lighthearted, and responding to the child with a twinkle in your eye. For example, if my child says, “Give me a cookie!” Dr. Purvis would tell me to playfully respond, “Are you asking me or telling me?” Most kids will probably sheepishly reply that they are asking, which I would follow with, “Let me hear you ask that again using respect.”

Second, if the child still isn’t responding, I then give them two choices. Dr. Purvis says to hold up two fingers and clearly offer two options, for example I might say, “You may not have a cookie right now because lunch is in ten minutes, but you may choose an apple, or wait until lunch time to eat.”

At this point, I hope the child will choose what I have offered, but if things are ramping up and beginning to move out of control, I will direct the child to our “Think it Over” spot, which in my house is the “ugly chair” in the family room next to the kitchen. Dr. Purvis says to remain no more than 6 – 8 ft. away. I tell my child that when they are calm and ready to talk to me, they can say “Ready” and I will be right there to talk with them.

When that happens, we then have a “do over” and I have the child come back to the kitchen, or where ever we were when the initial request was made and I have them do it again. I answer, giving them the two choices and they have an opportunity to answer respectfully. The child may choose not to have a snack, and that is fine too, but the process is done in a calm manner with respect.

Dr. Purvis also says:

Use the fewest words necessary to make your point clear to the child – no more than twelve.

This is not easy – I assure you that Russ and I regularly have to remind each other of this. We whisper the cue “few words” to each other as a reminder.

I am definitely not doing justice to Dr. Purvis’ teaching, and feel a bit sheepish sharing what I am learning. Keep in mind that I am writing from the notes that I took while watching her lectures. Overall, I hope I am giving you a taste of her wisdom and that you will take advantage of the online lectures and her book, The Connected Child, as you are able.

More soon!

~Lisa



So, I began to realize that responding in anger to a display of anger is like adding gasoline to a fire. Makes things worse and I lose the opportunity to minister to a kid who might be hurting or scared or just plain miserable. Yelling at Allen after his explosion on the baseball field didn't get fixed until we were in his room and I was able to hold him and listen to him.
When he is hitting Emily in the car, I need to consider pulling into a parking lot, soothing Emily if she is really hurt, then holding or sitting close to Allen until he is able to tell me what is going on.
Being able to retrain their heart attitudes will bear bigger fruit than just being Drill Seargent Mom and insisting that behaviors always fall in line. Finding out why behaviors occur will build a stronger connection that will guide my kids as they grow older and move away from my influence.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Finally figuring out what I should do when my kids get physical with each other is a weight off my mind. I know as times become more stressful in the next few months it is likely to happen more often and it is nice to think I have a starting plan.

Any other suggestions are WELCOME!